I’m growing increasingly concerned that those fine young gents living in the frat house next door might not be failing to fulfill the basic nutritional requirements that would place them among the living … As for why?

Theory the I: Maybe their mothers were practicing a passive-aggressive euthanasia that just didn’t quite pan out. They must be convinced that a diet of Natty and syphilis and “brorape” is all that’s really needed to, you know, not die.

Theory II: Zombies. Those motherfuckers are straight out of the tomb, hollow-eyed and slurring variations on bro and brah (broseph, brawski and brorador).

By my best guess, they seem to have overindulged -– I think that that term is used a bit too loosely; perhaps vacuumbinge is a better descriptor -– themselves on the not-as-well-known section of the food pyramid known as “cocaine” (crack? probably not. They have plenty of dollars). … I’m also concerned about their voice boxes and –- granted, I can only assume this would be the case after indulging in so many of the same … activities with as many individuals –- collective genitalia, which by this point must be utterly warped and bent out of shape … much like circus balloons.

Note: Other theories to follow.