There are those with drugs of choice. Pin-pricked skids and ballooning glands, red eyes and smoking tears, clouded vision. And then there are those like myself. We take no drugs, allow no illicit chemicals to invade orally, intravenously, anally into pristine human forms. But as for approved chemicals, driven to the stores in FDA approved vehicles and passed to merchants and distributors and mom and pop dealers, oh, that’s just dandy.

I’ll never let slip my lips anything like this: ‘my name is so-and-so and this is my so-and-so addiction and this is how my so-and-so addiction ruined my so-and-so life and ate my dog.’ But to be so inundated in WELLSPRINGs of caffeine that the stuff oozes and sweats through the pores like some unholy charred goo – well, I think that sounds just dandy.